She want's to fight me! (Score: 0)
Before I even said one word to our new sales manager, she started going gonzo... and not the good kind of gonzo... she started insisting to everyone that I wanted to fight her! A flat-out lie. All 4'7" of me couldn't fight my way out of a wet paper bag. Anyway, I ended up getting demoted and sent to accounting. HR thought that was best for everyone, since violence is not tolerated in the work place. Crazy.

Afraid of weather (Score: 2)
I was surprised that an interviewee would accept an offer to take a job more than an hour from where he lived. But he took the job nonetheless. Then he called in sick on his first day and took a couple more days off during the week to spend with family. The next week, the snow was flying. Not accumulating, but falling. He called in, saying he was afraid to drive to work in the snow. This happened several times before he informed me that it was ridiculous for me to expect him to actually drive to a job so far away. Really. So much for personal choice.

No making out in the bathroom!!! (Score: 0)
Stupid employees. Some of them work so well for you it is hard to fire them...even when you catch them doing something totally against "the handbook". At our company, we live and die by the book as the judge of what constitutes a firing. I have two employees though that WONT STOP making out in the womens bathroom during lunch. They are two of my best employees, but it is clearly not allowed in the handbook. I probably would have fired them after the first time, but it is two females, so....they get a break. But now, they wont stop.

Stupid puters (Score: 1)
Since we're discussing computer problems... I run into a lot of really dumb user issues at work. Once, an employee came to me with what she termed "the strangest thing I ever saw." Every time she tried to type in a website address, her browser would shut down. I asked her to show me. At her desk, she starts off by typing a W, and indeed, the browser closes. I immediately picked up the stack of books sitting on her desk, partially covering her keyboard and depressing the ctrl key.

Carrier Circle (Score: 0)
So, carrier circle is a cluster fudge at best in the morning coming off the thru-way, cars are backed up past the toll booths, its nuts. people are all over the place, lanes mean nothing, complete chaos. Sometimes, I get frustrated while I am parked waiting to get in the circle. Today, i said "lets do this" and drove in the shoulder around everyone while screaming "leeeroooyy uhJenkunnss" and just dive bombed into traffic causing havoc to ensue. it was excellent.

My computer keeps shutting off! (Score: 1)
One time an employee asked me to take a look at his computer and see if I couldn't fix it. Apparently it kept shutting down on him. So I sat down and used it all morning, and left it running for the remainder of the day. The next day this employee asked me if I had fixed it, and I had to tell him, "Um, I couldn't get it to unexpectedly quit on me." Shrugging his shoulders he sighed. He made me stand there for 10 minutes while he used his PC. Finally he declared that all "IT" guy's are good-luck charms. I argued that there was no such thing, and returned to my own desk. 30 sec. later I heard him moan, "It happened again - you shouldn't have walked away!" OK, lucky-charm? Nope. Keeping a closer eye on the situation I figured it out. He had been inadvertently pressing the reset button on the power-strip (that was on the floor) with his *&@#! foot!

Preaching the word of god with a used maxi pad (Score: 1)
Part of my job/internship at the time entitled doing interviews of inmates who had been arrested in the past 24 hours. The women's psych floor had one woman who approached the window as I walked up to it and immediately became the mouthpiece of god while she flourished a used maxi pad for emphasis. The men's psych floor usually contained at least one sex offendor. It bothered me that people would confess to me but it was not admissable in court. One guy failed to register as a pedophile and kept joking with me about going out after they let him out. Nope, sorry. I stared at him for a minute in disbelief. The only thing I could think of to say was, "I think I'm too old for you." There was a guard on the medical isolation floor whom I swear had it in for me in the most passive-aggressive way because any time I ever had to go up there my supervisor got called. I had to interview somebody and I asked what was wrong with the guy because I didn't know if I was going to be exposed to something airborne. Nowadays I would ask if I needed personal protective equipment, but I was 19 and didn't know any better. I didn't know about HIPAA or medical confidentiality. Instead of talking to me about it, she called my supervisor and left a lengthy voicemail message complaining about me. My supervisor wasn't there, obviously, so she called the next in command, who called me over in front of the guy I was talking to so she could lecture me. I told her afterward I was only concerned about catching something and I had no idea there had been an issue and she was understanding. She then told me she thought that particular guard must not like me. But I heard about it from the direct supervisor the following week when she got back from vacation. I then got in trouble because I was asked to interview someone on the medical floor and I asked somebody else to do it because I didn't want to deal with the guard. Supervisor got a complaint that I wasn't performing job duties.

It's your insurance, buddy (Score: 0)
I work in a pharmacy, and often deal with people who are shocked to find their insurance doesn't cover as much as they thought. A customer with a prescription for Ambien couldn't believe he had to pay $40 and wouldn't let it go. At quarter past closing time, I finally told him he had 30 seconds to make up his mind. Then I was going home. I'm not his insurance company.

Rock ON!! (Score: 1)
After the Christmas retail rush full of zombified customers and everyone's favorite 40 christmas songs playing on endless loop in carousel mall (including the hit song 'It's the most wonderful time of the year---which is personally my most HATED christmas song, since i never heard it as a kid, and it only popped up on mall playlists once i became a retail slave for the first time, and its sentiment conveyed the exact opposite version of reality for me with some drunk ass Tony Randall imitator singing while i tried to convince mallwalkers to buy Kinney Shoes plus the insoles, or else i wouldnt get my 2 commission)...our boss's son told us we could drink beer in the store, but NOT on the floor in front of customers. Well, a couple weeks after our beer binging began, i was working with a born again Christian girl who was 21, hot, and as prudish as a Strawberry Shortcake doll. So all of us had huge cravings to get in Sherry's fruity panties, but of course, it was one of those fantasies that is less likely to happen than one of us being voted President of the United States. I was drunkenly sharing some amusing alpha male story with Sherry one day when we worked alone together, and there was a bit of profanity involved in the story. Miss Born Against Profanity replied "i dont approve of your language", which immediately set me off and caused me to reply, "We're all fucking grown ups here, so i guess you should get used to people swearing." And then I turned to a nearby customer perusing the music books and gave him a conspiratorial laugh. You must remember, this is a GUITAR store, and people who come in here are mostly rock n roll wannabees. Anyway, this customer was looking at opera books, and said to me, "I dont approve of that language either." that made my drunk ass explode. i shouted, "Who the fuck are you that i need your approval?" (mind you, i swear profusely when there are no children around, but i have a thing with kids that makes me not want to swear if i'm unsure whether theyre used to it or not. there were NO children in the store). the customer's exact response escapes me, but whatever it was, i slammed it, and he said "you dont hear people using that kind of language on television." I replied, "That's because television is made BY assholes like you FOR assholes like you to watch." and he said, "i bet your boss wouldnt approve of you talking like that in front of customers." I literally screamed, "You wanna call my fuckin boss---go and call him. He accepts me, and none of us gives a fuck if dickheads like you shop here!!!" i got fired a week later. the boss's son told me that his parent's made him fire me because a customer complained. What i found out a week after that is that the customer NEVER called and complained. that bitch i worked with called the owners and told them about the incident. Nevertheless, after working roughly 10 years in shitty assed retail jobs, i am extremely satisfied to have told off this asshole. The satisfaction of that moment has lasted for 7 months undiminished, and i highly encourage retail employees to speak their honest minds and help us honest people destroy the customer service industry for good.

Well, it's a hard job (Score: 1)
have to leave out names in this due to medical confidentiality, but I have a good friend who is a nurse's aid at a local retirement home here in syracuse who ran into a bit of a pickle. A part of the job is washing old people including genitals, well, he found himself with a patient who was on the 6 month to live housing (I forget proper terminology) with a patient suffering from severe M.S.--hands and arms locked permanently as if he was sitting in a chair--Well during the diaper changing and subsequent penis washing the man became aroused, so he stopped and shut the diaper to leave when the man croaked at him, "You can't leave me like this, aren't you going to finish me off, it only needs a few more strokes!" My friend pretended to play dumb to avoid the horrorific situation unfolding thus leading to the patient begging angrily to be finished off. My friend left the room abruptly and told no one of this. Well we had a good laugh over this, but then I got to wondering; this man is on his death bed, maybe miraculously having an erection for the first time in years, now is pleading for his final wish on this earth to be jerked off one last time, his last dying wish, and there you are stuck in the middle, being asked for some spermicidal euthanasia! Who would ever wake up and think that might happen to them, ever? That is a fucking bad job, I don't care if you help people, being begged for an hj by a atrophied withered away man has got to be the worst fucking job experience i've ever heard.

Mistaken identity (Score: 1)
My boss has such an obvious case of little man syndrome that he does everything he can to assert his power. That included once writing me up for something I didn't do. In fact, for five things I didn't do. And I'm not talking about general things, either. He actually made up several very specific awful things...none of which actually happened...and put in my file that I did it. All I got to say is what goes around comes around.

I'll tell you where you can stick that Viagra (Score: 1)
So I work in a chiropractic office with a lot of middle aged women who flirt with the patients; I am by far the youngest by at least 20 years. And they all have to wear dark blue scrubs; I do not because I am only there until September. Anywaysss, these old men think they can get away with saying these obscene things to me because I'm young or something. One guy told me I should check out this bar because Dick and the Foreskins would be playing (which is NOT a real band, if you didn't get that), and another guy told me that the other women all look like Viagra pills running around in their scrubs. Ew. Eagle, take me back :(

The trouble with sea creatures (Score: 1)
I worked as a waiter in a seafood restaurant where the head cook was, let's say, beholden to a white powder that should never be used in cooking. His name was Bob. We ran a special for Valentine's Day on lobster, and had hundreds of them (all live) shipped in. Well, Bob started opening boxes and lobsters started crawling all over the place. The wait staff was chasing them around the kitchen, under the salad bar and wherever else just to keep them out of site of customers. Bob wasn't happy. He was frustrated that so many of them were scrambling so quickly that he thought he'd make an example of one of the fastest. He took a hammer from the back office and pummeled the poor thing into the floor. Then he threw it into the pot and cooked it up. "I don't think a customer's going to be happy with that one," I said. Bob's reply? "Fuck 'em."

Can you bring me my cigarettes? (Score: 2)
Some time ago now, I worked at Hancock Airport, but I won't say exactly for what company. For the most part I really enjoyed working there. Then one day when job bids came up, I bid for a job. I got the new position and a new boss. I was making more money, catching on fast and doing a good job. The one aspect of the job that sucked were the hours. At certain points in my shift I was basically all alone--except for my boss, who was in different area of the airport most of the time. One night I got a phone call, it was him. "Can you bring me up my cigarettes? They're on my desk." I really didn't want to, but I carted his non-filtered Camel's up to him anyway. When I got to where he was supposed to be I didn't see him so I called out his name. "I'm back here...come on back." After I handed him the cigarettes he tried talking with me for a while. I wasn't interested--he was like 65. What is it with these old guys thinking that they can kick it with young girls? Anyway, bottom line,as I was trying to leave this jerk-off cornered me, picked me up and set me on a stool. I was planning my escape, when he unzipped his pants and pulled out his penis. It looked like something that you see in health class when you discuss the effects of aging on the body. I jumped off the stool, ducked under his arm and ran away. God.......Ahhhhhh........I can't even write anymore. I have hated this guy for years. I recently saw him working at a pizza shop downtown and I had all I could do to not jump over the counter and break his face. So, I just want to say screw you shriveled dick.

Bags of fun (Score: 16)
The owner of the restaurant I worked at was a middle-aged woman with an enormous opinion of her physical allure, despite the obvious tanning-bed leather skin and circa-1987 hair. One day she came in barking orders to ensure we all knew she was the boss, insisting that we get cleaning in the kitchen. She got down on her knees and insisted that I do the same, in order to see how dirty the floor was under the ice maker. After pointing out the grease and grime, she stopped in mid-rant and asked "Are you looking down my shirt?" "No," I answered. "You were," she said. "You were trying to see my fun bags." The phrase, and the visual attached gave me nightmares for weeks.

Talk about gross (Score: 2)
I had this boss who’d ask me out for drinks and stare me down when I wore a skirt. He made gross faces at me and was probably undressing me with his eyes. What was really bad was the fact that his father owned the company and the apple clearly didn’t fall too far from the tree as he liked my skirts, too. Even the human resource guy told me we should get together for wine and cheese, but that it would have to be outside of work. Obviously. I wonder what the company handbook said about sexual harassment.

The hamburglar (Score: 4)
I had had enough at the fast-food joint I was working at in college and decided to move on. It was a terrible job with terrible hours and worse pay. Not to mention the fact that my boss was skimming off the top, and I was the only one who knew about it. Shortly after I quit, I found out from a friend (who still worked there) that the boss was trying to frame me for the thefts...which came to more than $5,000. Actually, they were more like $10,000. But his frame-up never came to pass -- a couple of weeks later, he'd sold his car, moved in with his parents and liquidated everything he owned. Of course, a year later when three employees were arrested for stealing money from the till, he insisted that I had taught them how to do it. I never took a dime. And if I had, at least I was smart enough to get away with it.

A matter of trust (Score: 4)
I had a boss who was so paranoid he'd call every day when he was on vacation to make sure I wasn't trying to get him fired while he was gone. And he would actually say things to me like "Uhhhhhhh, why do I get the feeling there's something you aren't telling me?" and "Uhhhhhhh, you aren't planning something behind my back are you?" The guy was so miserable to work for that 35 people quit rather than work for him. Fortunately, I had the satisfaction of telling him off when I walked out the door. And then watching him get fired a little bit later when his higher-ups realized what he was up to. Nevertheless, I'll never forget listening to the sound of his brain working: "Uhhhhhhhhhhhh..."

Pick up your own damn crayons! (Score: 8)
I was working as a hostess at Friendly's, and I sat this one woman who had like six kids. They were all disgusting and loud, and I wanted to throw their dippin' chicken right in their faces. Then one of her kids threw his crayons all down the aisle and started hysterically laughing. His mother looked at me all pissed off and goes, "aren't you going to pick those up?" grrrrrr, then my boss yelled at me for giving the woman attitude.